Change can have many meanings across the developmental continuum. Depending on your child’s age, you are going to have different tasks in order to help them manage and even accept change with interest and curiosity. Let’s look at some of the changes that might be occurring in your lives right now. Maybe this has been your child’s first year of school, ever! Or, maybe they have had to adjust to a new grade, new school or classroom. Maybe they are driving themselves back and forth for the first time, developing broader social lives, or anticipating one of the biggest changes of all - life after graduation. If any of these changes are having an impact on you as a parent, imagine the anxiety they may cause your children. When many changes happen at once, it can put pressure on your coping system. Over the past few years I have seen the children and families of our district go through extensive changes – the pandemic, fires, and even the recent storms have brought sudden & extremely impactful change. Here are some ideas for helping your kids remain resilient during these times.
Who knows your child better than you? You may be able to figure out pretty early on how your child generally reacts to change. Are they laid back and go with the flow, or do they dig in their heels and resist? Knowing your child’s pattern will help you tailor your response in terms of timing and support you provide, whatever their age. A child that shows anxiety and fear may always need a bit more advance notice about upcoming changes, as well as supportive conversation about the feelings they are experiencing.
Starting in Middle school, you can help your child understand that changes create a need for
information. The SLV Charter School has class orientations and meetings to frontload information to students and parents. This can help comfort levels while moving through transition. What other information might they need as they move through life? As they grow, teach them how and where to get information about what is happening independently from you. This will become a skill that continues to make things easier when they get to high school and changes become even more frequent.
Change situations are always great opportunities to practice self-regulation - mindfulness and
breathing awareness can bring one back to the present before getting onto the roller coaster of future possibilities and ‘what if’ scenarios. Making choices while feeling panicked isn’t effective or recommended. Taking a moment to create distance is a great habit to build in early and often.
Talk, talk, talk about it! Ask your child how they are feeling. Tell them about times you have lived through change yourself. Find out what picture they may already have in their head. What do they see happening? Do they imagine that everyone will laugh at them? Are they worried about being apart from you? That they won’t be able to keep up with the academics? Hopefully, you will be able to help them clear up any misconceptions they may be holding. Use imagery to help your child envision a positive outcome.
This is also a good time to be on the lookout for catastrophic thinking. Examples of this may be, “I always get picked last,” “I will never get accepted to college,” “I’ll never be able to get this finished.” Challenge these black and white statements and you will teach your child to challenge them too.
Keep these conversations going when your child hits adolescence. By age 13 (or before), your child is going to start going through changes – hormonally driven changes – that will impact their bodies and emotions. Over the next several years, work to keep your child grounded in the reality of who they are on the inside. Their bodies are changing, as well as their friends around them. Social dynamics are becoming more important so relationships may also change. It’s a scary time, but remind them that they themselves will remain mostly the same when they come out on the other side.
One of the big changes that will take place as your child moves through to later adolescence is that they will have many more choices available. Teenagers today face increasing pressure to make choices about parties, sexual activities, and substance use – things that they may perceive as rites of passage or may make them feel grown-up. In these moments, you can help them learn that change can be risky – what information do they need to consider before moving forward? What state of mind should they be in before making choices like this? Weighing pros and cons, considering
consequences and factoring in safety measures may be difficult for teenagers, but it is not impossible to instill this habit.
Be realistic. It’s true, your child could get lost on campus, someone may not talk to them, or they could trip in front of the whole school! Problem solving comes in handy here. Help your child come up with proactive responses to worrisome situations so that they can feel more in control. This will have a huge impact on how they are able to handle the world as they move through life.
For older children and adolescents, being realistic can look like managing expectations. Part of growing up is learning that change is often a broken promise – new things are often not as good or not as bad as you expect! Once again, an attitude of curiosity is helpful in this situation. Helping your teen to approach new things with inquisitive interest will prepare them for any possible outcome. What will happen today?
Time for grief. There is so much trade-off that comes with growing up, as things that were fun when we are young get cast off for new ideas, relationships and privileges. Even as they look toward the future, your child may mourn the loss of cherished childhood rituals and activities. Teaching your child that change creates loss will be a constant theme throughout their lives.
No matter the age, comfort your child and encourage them to express their emotions. Holding feelings in can lead to greater risk of anxiety and depression.
Overall, change takes courage. After any change has occurred, call attention to your child’s success. Even small changes can be daunting! Remind your child of what they may have believed before and do some reality testing – what really ended up happening? Older children will benefit from reviewing positive aspects of the change – what can you do now that you couldn’t before? Because of this change, what other changes are possible for the future? It is also great to reflect back to them the coping skills that you noticed them using during the change so they can develop greater awareness of what works.
You can play along at home! Here are some conversation starters that will work with or can be adapted for most age groups:
“… What changes have you gone through that have felt scary? How did you handle it?” OR
“…Did you ever read a book about someone going through a change? How did they handle it?”
“…How would you choose to act if you were not afraid of change?”
“What is something you would like to change, but you can’t?”
“What is something that you don’t want to change?
“…What are some things you feel grateful for?”
Lastly, I would like to let you all know about a big change that is happening in my life and at the charter school – I have decided to leave the school district and pursue my private practice full time. I will be here until June 1 st , but in the Fall a new counselor will take my place. I can’t say enough about how life-changing it has been to be a part of this community and I welcome you all to stay in touch!
-Jen Sims