It’s that time of year again. The weeks leading up to spring break always seems so tiring! The drudgery of the weather doesn’t help, not to mention the exhaustion of power outages, storm damage, and that wild, unforgettable Tuesday where families were separated from their homes and each other.
The San Lorenzo Valley is going through stress…again.
Here at school we have spent the entire year building community with each other. It’s cool to stand back and see the whole machine working together – at this point students know what they are doing, teachers are in their groove, friendships have been formed & most of us are feeling comfortable being here. All of this is occurring, however, at the same time we are experiencing so much stress & change. One thing I know is that when I am stressed, I can take it out around the people and places where I feel most comfortable. If school is a comfort zone, it is expected that we may become impatient with each other.
There is a quote that has been running through my head recently:
“Out beyond the field of wrongdoing and rightdoing, there is a field. I will meet you there. When the soul lies down in that grass, the world is too full to talk about. Ideas, language, even the phrase ‘each other’ doesn’t make any sense”. This quote by Rumi is about putting down our swords and meeting each other on common ground. How can we do that when tension is running high and we can have such different ideas about what is right and wrong?
Having patience with each other is essential for building and maintaining strong and positive relationships in community. With patience, we can better understand and accept each other’s differences in order to work through challenging situations. Everyone has different backgrounds. Our experiences and perspectives shape our behavior, attitudes, and our basic understanding of life.
Patience with each other begins with empathy. How do we instill empathy into children? If you have ever met a toddler, you know that empathy doesn’t always come naturally. A great way to do this is any opportunity to explore what it is like to be in other people’s shoes. Appreciation of other cultures, values and ways of life will only help your child develop empathy. Group situations usually lead to this kind of growth, as do books, movies, friendships, travel, and the ability to process all of these experiences with a trusted adult. If you as a parent work to keep your own feelings in alignment with your words, your child will learn first-hand to speak their own truth about what is happening inside. They will not be afraid of their emotions if you aren’t afraid of yours. This will also help them to be unafraid of learning about the thoughts and emotions of others. Fear shuts down curiosity, acting as a barrier to empathy.
Patience with each other requires curiosity, not judgment. In discussing curiosity with students, I rely heavily on the quote; “Don’t judge your insides by other people’s outsides.” Kids get tripped up by this all the time. They think that because someone looks a certain way, they ARE a certain way and then start a comparison game. Or a judgment game. “That kid looks happy all the time, but I don’t feel happy all the time!” It’s a downward spiral, but curiosity can put an end to it pretty quickly. In my groups, students have the opportunity to share about their lives and someone will usually exclaim, ‘I was wondering that about you!!’ or ‘Hey, that happened to you? Me too!’ Every time this happens something shifts and relationships deepen. Curiosity almost always leads to connection, whereas judgment lends itself to isolation.
Practice with each other requires whole listening. Truly listening to your child will help them learn to listen to others. We can use our ears to biologically hear words, but truly understanding is a whole different ball game. Using reflective statements can help you clarify the meaning behind the words and will help you get a grasp on the situation, making sure the speaker feels truly heard.
A reflective statement is saying something back to someone in a slightly different way, and perhaps deepening it to encourage further discussion. Here are some examples:
“Sounds like you felt left out when that happened”
“You want your teacher to understand that you’re trying your best”
“It seems like you don’t know how to tell her how you feel”
I try to leave the door open for correction. A student might respond, “I didn’t feel left out, I felt mad!” This gives me a greater understanding of what’s going on inside. For younger children, use simpler language or just reflect back the emotion:
“You’re angry!”
“You’re happy with your new bike!”
“I see that you wanted that balloon but it flew away”
This will start your child on the road to connecting their actions and emotions and give them a greater ability to express themselves moving forward.
Patience with each other requires self-acceptance/awareness. When you know yourself well and feel grounded in your beliefs, it becomes less interesting to get into power struggles with others or prove that you are “right”. Using empathy, curiosity and whole listening with your child will help them develop the self-awareness and acceptance necessary to tolerate disagreement and be able to seek connection.
I hope that everyone has a wonderful & restful spring break – I will see you on the other side (refreshed and ready to be patient again).
-Jen Sims