Let’s be real: Trust has really taken a hit in the past few years. A worldwide pandemic caused chaos and widespread miscommunication, leading to distrust in public institutions and each other. Misinformation and disinformation swirling around can make it difficult to know if what we’re seeing and reading is real. On a local level, the aftermath of the CZU fires has left many people in our community feeling mistrustful of organizations that were supposed to be helpful. This is a big problem.
As humans, we need to have a certain level of trust in our world, the media, people in authority, and each other in order to function and feel good about ourselves. I believe that this lack of security and trust in relationships has been traumatizing.
What can we do? This is quite a lot – a big problem, like I said before. It can feel overwhelming and hard to know where to begin. Whenever I feel this way, I like to work with what is in front of me and what I have control over; this is usually my personal relationships. Here are some ideas for you to build rock-solid trust with your children, no matter what the age.
- Meet them where they are: Just because a child is a certain age chronologically, it doesn’t mean that they are a certain age “functionally”. We all tend to fluctuate in our development at times (even adults) and certain tasks and experiences can feel like too much. If you notice that your child has a ‘mismatched response’, work to understand where they are and meet them there. You can even ask, how old do you feel right now? Kids usually know when they are feeling younger and can tell you. Your child might need a bit more support & connection (aim your response to match what they are showing you functionally) before they are able to achieve the task you are asking.
- Be available and helpful: Kids get overwhelmed and they can get afraid to ask for help – maybe they feel like they should already know how or they don’t know how an adult will react. Be ready to help your child chunk down a task into manageable portions.
- Be consistent: So much of the work of being a trusted adult/parent is just showing up when you say you are and doing what you say you will. Follow through is important – even when it comes to consequences. In my experience, trust with a child increases exponentially after I have set a boundary, so don’t be afraid! Appropriate boundaries make people feel safe and let a child know that you are trustworthy.
- Don’t gaslight kids: It’s not always easy to be honest with kids, but they sure appreciate it when you are (in a developmentally appropriate way). For example, I have gotten a lot more cooperation out of telling kids that sometimes we need them to behave in certain ways (like walking in a line, or sitting still in class) because it is how adults keep them safe and organized. That’s for us, not them! There is nothing morally superior about being able to sit still or walk in a line.
- Set the example: Your values and behavior need to be in alignment with what you expect from others and your children. Be trustworthy with yourself, your children and others and they will follow along.
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Jennifer Sims, MA, LPCC
(she/they)
Mental Health Counselor
SLV Charter School
Hours: Monday, Tuesday and Thursdays