Happy Autumn!
Leaves are falling, Halloween has passed, the field on campus is complete and we’re starting to have rainy, cool days. Soon we will be caught up in the flurry of the holidays and before we know it, 2023 will arrive. As always, things keep moving forward.
Last month I had the opportunity to attend the International Association of Play Therapy conference in St. Louis, MO. I took about 35 hours of classes and learned so much, but there is one thing that keeps coming back to me that I have found useful and comforting, and it is this:
Humans can survive without a cortex, but we cannot survive without the rest of our brain.
Humans born without a cortex & decorticated rats have shown that although the part of their brain that uses logic and thought is missing, they are still able to live and even accomplish some basic tasks. It is not the same if the situation is reversed. This concept honestly reaches the limit of my knowledge of neuroscience, but my main takeaway is that we can’t depend on thought and logic alone to work our way through things. Especially emotional things. In fact, focusing on thought and logic alone could be the least important thing you do with your child.
Many issues that cause emotional dysregulation in adults and children are related to thoughts – thoughts that we have based on our past experiences, or narratives we have come to believe. We actually have about 35,000 thoughts per day but, when you think about it, how many thoughts have you had today that were exactly the same as yesterday? Probably a lot of them! And yet we spend a lot of time believing our thoughts and trying to solve emotional problems with this part of the brain, using logic and evidence when what we really need are interventions that target the brain stem, diencephalon cerebellum (reptilian brain), and limbic system.
These areas of the brain support basic survival functions (brain stem), survival drives and motor regulation (diencephalon cerebellum), and social/reward/learning (limbic system). When we are with children who are feeling dysregulated, it is likely that something is happening in one or more of these parts of the brain as well as the cortex. Since we can’t always be sure, it’s never a bad idea to work from the “bottom up,” which means starting at the brain stem and providing a soothing, calm presence that your child can borrow from to get regulated themselves. Truly, nothing can be done at the cortex level until regulatory stability occurs, so it is worth putting in the time to do this.
Because it is November/Thanksgiving month, I am talking to the students about emotions and gratitude and I want to weave this in here as a “bottom up” intervention that works daily as well as in acute situations of emotional dysregulation. Gratitude is more than just being thankful, it is a mindfulness practice with proven results for a happier life, improved relationships and better physical & mental health. Gratitude is a warm and safe feeling; real caring or being cared for, when it is genuine, is irresistible.
In whatever way you work an “attitude of gratitude” into your family, it will help deepen your connections and feelings of hopefulness. When it is a practice, gratitude is something that will be there for you in good times and in tough ones.
There are lots of ways to do this. This month I will be sharing “29 gratitude prompts” for students, which means that they have 29 ways to explore experiences, thoughts and feelings connected to appreciation. I encourage you to look at this with your child and even work on them together! Here are some other ideas:
- Notes of appreciation: Short notes, emails or even verbal appreciations for literally anything and everything that you notice will make your child feel treasured. The most regulated children have about 40 positive interactions per day, while the most dysregulated have about nine. Being appreciative of your child will improve their self-esteem and teach them to be appreciative of others.
- Gratitude Jar: Much like the journaling, fill a jar with gratitude prompts that you can pull out at a certain time every day (like during a meal) and answer together.
- Service: Volunteering, serving and giving to others is a great way to cultivate gratitude. These acts of kindness and compassion teach us empathy and give us appreciation for what we have.
A gratitude practice has a positive impact on emotional dysregulation, and a proactive approach will reduce feelings of worry & anxiety overall. However, what about when you are in the moment, trying to help your child feel calmer and more regulated about things that might be out of their control? It’s hard to see your child upset and not get dysregulated yourself.
When you are out of words and need to bring about a calm & safe presence, I encourage you to think about things for which you are grateful. You don’t have to say them out loud! You only have to think about them and your energy and presence will shift into something safe and comforting, and your child can co-regulate along with you.
I hope that you all have a wonderful Thanksgiving season and feel loved and celebrated by the people in your lives. I am truly grateful for the families and students in this community. Do not hesitate to reach out if you need to be reminded of this!
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Jennifer Sims, MA, LPCC
(she/they)
Mental Health Counselor