Hello Charter families.
There have been quite a few events and circumstances lately that have really tugged on my heart. It would probably be easier for me to just run all of it through my left brain - where I use logic to “solve peoples’ problems”, avoiding my own uncomfortable feelings. But, in my opinion, I would miss the richest part of being human. While sometimes empathy can feel painful, we can connect with each other through the heart and ease suffering, learn about ourselves and others and feel a sense of support and belonging. These qualities are vital for mental and physical health, and the bedrock for healthy communities.
Empathy is a skill that allows us to “plug in” to what others are experiencing, letting their feelings and thoughts run through our psyche so that we “carry the load” together when someone is suffering. A couple of months ago, I was ordering tea from my favorite coffee shop, and it just popped out of my mouth that we were breaking ground on our rebuild. Without any notice, I felt myself tear up! The woman serving the tea came around and gave me a giant hug, and with tears in her eyes she explained how awful she felt for the people all around her trying to rebuild their homes. It was a moment when two strangers connected through empathy. And when we exchanged names, it so happened her name was Robin too! I now feel a deeper kind of belonging to that little shop.
It’s nearly impossible to cause someone harm when we have a habit of practicing empathy. Can you imagine what our world would be like if our most important lessons were about learning to deepen our empathy?
There are many ways that people of all ages can practice and deepen these skills.
Here are some tips!
- Listen more than you talk. Commit your undivided attention to the conversation. That means no cell phones, tablets, or computers. Communicate this undivided attention by maintaining steady eye contact. If you notice yourself giving advice or trailing off into your own stories, just gently bring yourself back to the speaker, without judgment.
- Let the speaker actually speak. Summarize your understanding.
- Ask insightful, relevant questions. Tap into your natural curiosity and ask nonjudgmental questions to better understand the other person’s perspectives, thoughts, and feelings.
- Allow the other person to rant. When someone’s having troubles of some kind, they may be emotionally flustered. That’s okay. Let them talk from the heart.|
- Give your perspective. Imagine you’re in the speaker’s shoes and express how you would feel in that situation. Let your emotions guide you through this.
- Be vulnerable. Too often in our relationships, we keep our conversations in “the safe zones”, with little risk for being judged. By sharing our own insecurities and mistakes, we connect through our common humanity; and this common ground is one of the most important foundations you can lay in a relationship.
- Most importantly….Turn Towards Your Heart. It’s hard for our brains to know the “right thing to say and do”, but our hearts always know where to start. Close your eyes, bring your attention to your heart, and focus on your feelings by describing them to yourself. I often do this right in the middle of a session with a client. Awareness of feelings is the key to empathy. Children can practice this by drawing how they feel, learning new words to describe how they feel and playing out how they feel.
Every time you practice these things you are modeling empathy to your children. They can see you do it, feel the benefits of it and learn some great skills! I hope you all find ways, no matter how big or tiny, to connect with each other through empathy. Sometimes the smallest gesture of connection can make a big difference in someone’s life.
Robin Bates, LMFT