Hello charter families!
Life is full of transitions - we wake up, and we carry out the tasks we need to transition out of sleep to the tasks of the day. We are experiencing and reacting to transitions throughout the day until we end up back in bed again, our bodies transitioning into the stages of sleep. Meanwhile, there are bigger transitions happening - stages of life, family, and careers as well as emotional and cognitive growth spurts.
Although there is seemingly an infinite variety of transitions through life, they all have a few things in common. They all involve us to respond to a change, and they all involve us letting go of something (or lots of things!). In other words, we are always coping and adapting to change and managing some form of grief/letting go at the same time. Sometimes this means letting go of an entire stage of life, along with identities, roles, and relationships.
Remember when your child was a toddler? When they started walking and transitioning into their new freedom of mobility, they continued to look back to be sure a safe adult was there. The unknown can be painfully scary for any human, and regardless of our stage in life, we need reassurance. So we rely on our support cast to be there so we can continue to take steps out into the unknown.
For adolescents, transitions can be particularly difficult. Teens are experiencing daily changes within the backdrop of change. Their bodies are changing, social hierarchies, identities, norms and even their relationships with their parents are changing. Common transitions for adolescents could be: new schools (i.e.- middle school to high school), new bodies, changing friendships due to varying levels of maturity and coping skills, a first break up (this can be devastating for a teen), a change in relationship with parents and new responsibilities in and out of school.
From the website, Ambre Associates, I found this handy little list for helping adolescents through transitions:
- Allow for feelings. Teens are going to have a lot of feelings—and they’re going to have a lot of big feelings. It’s important to let them have these feelings.
- Listen. One of the most helpful things you can do for your adolescent is to listen to their stories, hear their concerns and empathize with their feelings — without judgment.
- Preserve routines. As much as possible, try to keep the same morning, after-school, evening, and bedtime routines in place. Routines lend familiarity and predictability, which can be threatened during times of transition.
- Ensure self-care — for both you and your teen. Nutritious meals, quality sleep, exercise, and stress management allow you to stay strong, especially during trying times. A lot of teens begin to buck breakfast and push the limits on bedtime; while respecting the changes in their needs and wants, maintain a focus on healthy habits.
- Maintain boundaries. It’s tempting to loosen the discipline when your child is going through a hard time, but rules and boundaries build trust. Kids know what they can count on, and what they can push against. Be consistent in your parenting, allowing natural consequences and imposing logical consequences when their behavior crosses the line.
- Offer choices. Teens often feel a lack of control, and even more so during times of transition. Where possible, allow them to voice their opinions, form their own likes and dislikes and make choices.
- Stay realistically positive. Remind your teen of past accomplishments. You might remind them about the time that they were really anxious about their performance in a school play that went really well, or about a new friend they made on their first day of camp. By doing so, you’re giving your child tangible examples to counter their anxiety in facing this change.
- Separate your anxiety from theirs. Recognize that you may have unresolved “stuff” from your adolescence that gets triggered by your teen’s experiences. Stay in your own lane, using caution not to blur your journey with theirs. Take an honest look at your feelings, and try to pinpoint the cause of your anxiety — without making it theirs.
- Don’t project your worries. Like a mama lion (or papa bear), you want your child to avoid discomfort—and to succeed. But your concerns about any given transition may not be theirs. Even if you’re worried about your teen making new (and the right) friends, they might not be the least bit concerned—until you plant seeds of doubt by asking anxiety-provoking questions (“Are you nervous about making new friends?”).
- Ask for help. If you feel like things are getting out of control, or you see that your teen is so anxious that they’re not sleeping or if you’re worried about drug and alcohol use, reach out to a professional, who can help guide your teen—and you—through a challenging transition.
One of the greatest tools for transitioning and change is practicing acceptance. Acceptance is the task of the grieving process, and also in my opinion the most powerful tool we can have in our psychological toolbox! We can model this practice in front of our children and hopefully can find some grace through all of the uncertainty of transitioning through change.
Robin Bates, LMFT