We are already moving into October! Now that students are getting into the school year, I am seeing so many students and families confronted with challenges - academic, emotional, relationship, and cognitively based.
Recently I was confronted with my own parenting challenge when a teacher (who I think is so amazing) approached me with one of my son’s homework papers. She asked me if I had read through it and how involved I was in this little assignment. I proudly announced, “Well, I made sure there was time for him to do it, and I also set boundaries and limits until he got it done. We have strategies for him to practice focusing and get the work done”. She explained to me, “It is perfectly appropriate for you to do the work WITH him. You can actually do it together!”. After feeling a bit embarrassed and talking to her further, it clicked! I had always believed that doing the work with him would be some form of cheating! When I was in middle school, I did my work with no parent involvement at all, so why would I think any differently up until now? I literally needed to unravel my old way of thinking about my children’s work and try a new approach. I’m not going to lie - it was challenging at first. But, I started using breathing techniques to stay with it and sink deeper into their assignments until it felt like I was truely with them as they chose words and ideas. And, it was amazing how quickly they thrived. For the next assignment, I became the scaffolding as my son built his essay with his own thoughts, words, and ideas. The end result was powerful.
So, yesterday, I went as a parent volunteer on a field trip to the Mt Hermon ropes course. I decided to give the course a try myself, and it literally took my breath away at the first challenge. I was wobbly, ridiculous and self-conscious, but I made it through the obstacle. As I continued to navigate the course, I discovered that if I stopped first and focused on my breathing, my approach became more balanced and creative. I could be in the “here and now” and practice positive and creative thinking to learn from each challenge. It’s amazing how quickly our bodies and minds respond when we are balanced and in the here and now.
The thing these two learning experiences have in common is my awareness of the importance of breathing. It is the very first thing we do when we’re born. Breathing is one of the few things that is controlled by our unconscious mind but can be overridden by our conscious mind whenever we need to. Our old patterns of thinking, old hurts, and traumas like to “run the show” in our unconscious minds and it is often expressed through our breathing - short, shallow breaths or even holding the breath. When we become aware of this, we can change our breathing patterns and therefore shift into a different state of mind!
Stop - Observe - Breathe
When confronted with parenting, relationships, emotional or intellectual challenges, try practicing these three things:
- Stop - take a pause for a moment, even if you are in a hurry. Even stopping for a few seconds can set your brain up for a shift in perspective. Stopping what you are doing can literally bring your brain right into the moment and become open to something new. (This really helped me on the ropes course when looking at the next challenge. I realized I didn’t need to rush).
- Observe - take an inventory of your surroundings and your situation. What are you feeling, thinking and doing? What are you interacting within your environment? Sometimes just naming what you notice internally and externally can significantly shift you into feeling grounded.
- Breathe - pay attention to your breathing without changing it for a moment. How is your body responding to what you’ve observed? Then shift into some controlled breathing - you can count to 4 as you inhale, count to 4 as you hold it, and count to 4 as you exhale, and then count to 4 as you hold again. Or, you can take a deep cleansing breath and let out a long exhale (even making a sighing sound if you can!)
There is very little we truly have any control over, especially when we’re confronted with a challenge. Why not try controlling our breath for a few moments as a practice every day? And, it’s amazing how it can help us with the challenges associated with parenting these amazing students of ours!
Robin Bates, LMFT