Much of my off-work time these days has been spent towards planning the rebuilding of our home in Boulder Creek. There have been so many things to think about, meet and talk about, plan and have meetings with so many different professional people about. It’s all worth it when I stand on the footprint of our previous home, stare out into the mountain view, feel the breeze and sun on our land and dream about what we will rebuild there. It was one of these wonderful moments that I realized something - in so many ways, we are ALL preparing to rebuild right now!
After all of the months sheltering-in-place, evacuations and power outages, we are finally beginning to see things open up and return to some fraction of in-person school. We are all “rebuilding” our in-person connections to each other as our communities are slowly opening up. So many of us have spent a large portion of our time connecting digitally, which required us to shift and adjust to compensate for what was lacking compared to previous communication. But, as we return to in-person learning, we will be rebuilding all of the previous dimensions of communication: including facial expressions (at least when the masks are off), body language, tone of voice, the “feel of the room” and so much more.
It may take some practice and some tools to rebuild our face to face relationships. A wonderful set of tools I have been presenting to students is the DBT skills called “G.I.V.E.” It’s very simple, and nothing they don’t likely already know. But it's simply a framework for reminding students of skills for building and maintaining positive relationships with peers. Here’s what it stands for:
(be) Gentle: Be nice and respectful! Don’t attack, use threates, or make judgments. Be aware of your tone of voice. Pay attention to how you might be judging others (and also yourself!).
(act) Interested: Listen and act interested in what the other person is saying. Don’t interrupt or talk over the other person. Don’t make faces. Maintain good eye contact. Allow them time to finish their stories and ideas before responding.
Validate: Show that you understand the other person’s feelings or opinions. Be nonjudgmental in your communication. Examples are:
“I can understand how you feel, ….and…”
“I realize this is hard…”
“I see you are busy, and…”
“That must have felt…”
(use an) Easy manner: This is perhaps the simplest but most important one! Smile. Use humor (I know many of you are good at this one). Use non-threatening body language, such as tilting your head or approaching someone quietly. Leave your attitude at the door.
Remember as we open up and you all see more of each other : please be gentle, as everyone has a struggle of some kind that they are working on. One way or another, we have “normalized” our shelter-in-place way of life and many people might be feeling a bit anxious about adjusting back, even if they seem “happy with a smile on their face”. Practice G.I.V.E. every day and you might be amazed at how you rebuild your face-to-face relationships and also create some new ones along the way.
Robin Bates, LMFT
P.S. My office hours are Tuesdays and Thursdays from 8-4:30.