I looked up “home” in the ol’ Mariam-Webster dictionary, and the first definition is: “one's place of residence”. The second definition is: “the social unit formed by a family living together” and the third is: “a familiar or usual setting: congenial environment and also: the focus of one's domestic attention”. It seems that in times like these when our houses are threatened or destroyed and we are faced with raw feelings that we may have never or rarely felt before, many of us are left thinking about what our own definition of “home” is. My definition has changed over the past few days, from the moment I was called to evacuate, to discovering the fate of my own house, to the days afterward trying to collect myself, care for my family and connect with loved ones.
While not residing in my own home, I was forced to look for my “home” in other ways, often without realizing it. And, I was finding it! I found my home in my family and my friendships. I found my home with my children. I also found my home surfing with colleagues, friends, family, and students. My new definition of home is this: “the place where I can feel free to be myself, no matter what”. This is how I felt in my house, but it’s the same way that I feel in my most treasured relationships and places in nature. I found a new definition of what it means to be home.
As parents and family members, we often invest a tremendous amount of time, money and emotions creating a home for our children. When the threat of losing it is looming, we all can be faced with experiences that we struggle to even process. Children may feel our own emotions in their bodies. You might see their clinginess, oppositional behavior, regressed behavior, irritability or temper tantrums. You might also see children who are “checked out”, not really paying attention to their need for food, water or rest. Remember to allow some time and space for them to get grounded in their own ways, and for your own self-care (physical, emotional, intellectual - as this is often the best way we can support our children). I will write more in the coming weeks and months to support you in this, but first and foremost, this:
One thing I like to tell my clients who are experiencing big stress and emotions is this: “really the only thing you need to do right now is breathe”. It’s that simple. The following are some easy and powerful breathing techniques to try at home. You could try doing them together as a family, or in those moments you allow yourself to just focus on you.
- The 4x4 - I love this one. It’s the easiest one for me to remember. You breathe in for a count of 4, hold for a count of 4, exhale for a count of 4, and then hold again for a count of 4. You can imagine that you are creating a square when you’re doing this, or even use your finger or your eyes to trace a square in the air or on an object. You can even add another dimension to it and practice it in sets of four.
- Ocean Breathing - I have a video on our website that demonstrates this. Mind-Body Videos
Visualizing water during stress associated with a wildfire can be very soothing on many levels. You sit comfortably, imagine you hear ocean waves and you are sitting or standing at the water’s edge. Then when you inhale, imagine you’re pulling a long cleansing wave toward you. When you exhale, your breath is being pulled back with the current and returning to the sea. Imagine your breathing sounds like ocean waves. You repeat as many times as you need. You can imagine that the water is literally cleansing your mind and all of the thoughts you are spinning with.
- 4x7x8 times 7 technique - in yoga practices, many teachers understand the power of the breath in regulating emotions. Take a longer inhale than exhale, and you’ll increase energy. Take a shorter inhale and longer exhale, you will decrease excess energy. In this breathing exercise, you start by breathing in for a count of 4, holding for a count of 7, and exhaling for a count of 8. Try it! 7 times, actually. When I worked for Kaiser in the Chronic Pain clinic, this was a very popular technique to manage anxiety and pain. I also know people who breathe like this during dental procedures and it works. That should tell you enough!
I look forward to walking through all of this change with all of you! Together we can find our “home” in our relationships and community. My office hours will be Tuesdays and Thursdays from 8-4. Feel free to send me a message if you have questions, concerns, or inspirations.
Robin Bates, LMFT