Hello from Strangeville, families!
During Spring break, one night my family and I sat down to watch “The Martian”. I’d seen it a time or two before, but given the circumstances we are all in, this time the message of the movie really struck me. Here’s a guy, stuck in a strange world, inside of his little habitat, solving problems day by day to survive and get to his eventual long term goal of reuniting with his crew. Sound familiar? I was all eyes and ears! I love what he says so casually to his students at the end, “of course I thought I was going to die multiple times, but all I could do was just focus on the problem in front of me. When something went wrong, I just got to work”. When he was confronted with what seemed like an impossible situation, he just sat quietly for a while (or with some music), and then just took the first step. Problem-solving is a creative process, just like creating a painting or a sculpture. The good news is, we don’t have to know how to get to the solution before we start! There’s just as much art in just getting started.
We are all working to solve problems right now - from figuring out how to pay bills, to working online (if we’re lucky!), to staying healthy and away from viruses, to teaching our children 100% at home and with only remote support, and so much more. How do you solve problems? Do you get overwhelmed with the big picture, are you able to focus on the problem in front of you and “get to work”? I imagine we’re all somewhere right in between.
In DBT (Dialectical Behavioral Therapy), there’s a great template for looking at any given problem. As we and our children are having reactions to problems and trying to settle into some solution or action in response, consider these options from DBT (these are really great for teens who are confronted with big feelings and new problems they haven’t faced before):
The 4 DBT Problem-Solving Options
- Solve the Problem.
With any problem situation, you can figure out if there is a way to change the situation, avoid the situation, or leave the situation. Apply your “Martian” skills here!
- Feel Better about the Problem.
You can decide not to change the actual problematic situation, but to change your emotions in reaction to it. This is handy with problems with which you have absolutely no control. Insert your emotional regulation skills (mentioned in my last letter) here! Reframing, looking for the meaning, finding the benefits, and helping others go a long way in this category.
- Tolerate the Problem.
If you can’t solve the problem, and you can’t feel better about the problem, you can still ease some of the emotional suffering that the problem brings up. Let’s face it - many problems fall into this category. Acceptance is your superpower here! This is what your IMPROVE skills are made for!
- Stay Miserable.
You could choose to stay miserable. Or, you could also do things that will make the problem even worse. To choose this option, don’t use any skills! And how empowering to realize this is, too, is actually a choice!
Our main character in “The Martian” used all four of these options throughout the movie - from solving fuel and food problems, to changing his feelings about growing food and making oxygen (“I just colonized Mars!” and “I’m the greatest Botanist on Mars!”), to tolerating problems he could not change (when his entire crop population was destroyed), to feeling miserable (in the beginning, before he was ready to settle down and “get to work”).
I find myself also choosing all four of these options throughout this sheltering phase. The more awareness I can bring to the process, the more choice I have in the path I take. The power lies with awareness.
I hope you are all finding creative ways to solve your problems, as well as creative ways to reframe or tolerate the ones you cannot solve yet. We will get through this and I light up every time I think about the joy our families will feel when they are reunited with their “crew” again!
Robin Bates, LMFT
I am still available virtually during my office hours on Tuesdays and Thursdays.