According to the National Geographic website, wolves howl “to find fellow pack members when they're apart—gray wolf howls can carry for miles—and for social purposes, such as maintaining relationships within members of the pack.” I learned that wolves howl to guide their family members back to the family when they are lost or far apart. When researchers separate one wolf, it will howl over and over for hours to be reunited with the pack.
Last night, I finally got my timing right and went out with my family to participate in the nightly 8 pm “Boulder Creek howl”. It’s really as simple as that - lots of people go outside and howl at 8 pm every night, as loudly as they can. I wasn’t sure what to expect but decided to do it (imagining I’d be the only crazy person in my neighborhood wooing and howling off my deck). But, when I stepped onto my deck, I heard a whole chorus of howls - from nearby and far - echoing through the mountain canyons. There was probably at least a hundred - bellowing out, connecting with each other through one of the most primal of sounds. I tilted my head back and howled, and immediately the tears were flowing. I realized that when I got the news about school closing for the rest of the school year, I was feeling some grief.
Many people are struggling with feelings about losing their school year, sports teams, artistic communities, time with friends and plans for graduations. One of my favorite things to do during the school day was to go watch the 6th graders (boys and girls) play football during lunch - laughing, shoving each other, celebrating big catches and rolling around in the grass. It truly made me so happy. These boys communicate their love by shoving, pushing, throwing down, wrestling and slamming into each other! They need this. It’s like a kind of primal medicine. Zoom doesn’t fill this need. Many could be struggling with the loss of this now.
I am reminded of the grieving process I learned from Dr. Kubler-Ross’ teachings - denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. It is normal to feel them all - sometimes one at a time, sometimes all at the same time, and sometimes skipping over a few. And sometimes none at all! Children can express grief in very different ways than adults - it can come through in play, at night when they want to stay close, temper tantrums and big feelings about things that don’t seem to match. When children sense something out of their families’ control, they can feel frightened. Remind them of things that haven’t changed (like the stars!). Remember that all of these emotional reactions are normal. And we will all get through this because “this, too, shall pass”. We are all so connected, regardless of how quarantined we are now.
About acceptance. Acceptance is the goal of grief. It’s a superpower that, when tapped into, can soften and brighten the way we live our lives. I encourage all of you to practice it daily - challenge yourselves to accept the uncomfortable stuff, the impossible stuff, and the stuff you wouldn’t share with anybody on social media! It feels awful at first, but then you’ll free up energy reserves to focus on the stuff most important to you and your family. And our kids are watching - so we can model this practice for them!
Things to consider trying with your family at home:
Here’s a journaling/art activity for families to do - get a blank piece of paper and draw a big circle in the middle. In the circle, draw or write words to describe the things within your control (hint: your choices). Outside of the circle, try drawing or writing words to describe the things in that you cannot control (hint: all people, places and things). You can get really creative with this, using colors and segmenting the circle into pie pieces! Then, imagine bringing your focus and energy on the inside of the circle by accepting the stuff on the outside for what it is. Consider what tools you could use to work with the items in the circle, practicing “Good Emotional Hygiene” to keep this circle a healthy place to be.
Let’s keep walking through this strange time together - one day (and howl) at a time. It makes me smile every time I think about how amazing it will be when our children will be reunited in person again and they realize that most of their loss was only temporary!
Robin Bates, LMFT
P.S. I am available on Mondays, Tuesdays and Thursdays.