From our Counselor: Hello families! I am sitting at my table right now, feeling the first hint of warm air from the bright sunshine. Spring is around the corner!
As I visit the classrooms and talk with them about relationships, it’s wonderful to hear them tie in what they’ve learned about themselves these past few months. I believe many are beginning to see that healthy friendships begin with a healthy relationship with ourselves. I heard students talk about “using Wise Mind before making an apology” and “calming down my amygdala” before thinking about a conflict with a friend. Yesterday a 7th grader said to me, “well, I think it’s really important to forgive yourself as you are getting ready to go make amends with another person”. What insightful comments!
Today as I was walking through the campus, I saw a group of middle school friends playing their daily game of lunchtime tag football. It was a 50/50 mix of boys and girls on each team. The boys got there first and said to me with a really sweet and honest tone, “we always wait for the girls to finish their lunch before we start”. The girls brought a new friend who appeared a bit nervous about playing football for the first time. She stood with me and watched for a while, until all of the kids turned to her and said, “would you like to play with us? We’ll teach you how!” It’s so very heartening to see an act of inclusion in a world where exclusion or feeling left out is so common.
On the other hand, as children grow into their ‘tween years, their friendships become so important that they can often lose track of themselves and fall prey to peer pressure and influence in even the subtlest of ways! Research has shown that humans tend to mimic the humans they are closest to. I have also read research that suggests even our heartbeats and breathing try to synchronize with those we are physically closest to! This mirroring is largely unconscious and very powerful at all stages of life. Peer pressure and mirroring aren’t “all bad” - we see powerful examples of it in groups like sports teams, symphony orchestras, play performances, and dance, etc.
However, it can be so difficult for children to keep track of who they are when their friend groups are changing but becoming more and more important. Children often come to me struggling with their friendships - feeling left out, or different, or like they just can’t “synchronize” with others. Other children are trying to relate with children whose behaviors they don’t quite agree with and they are left feeling conflicted or confused. Others spend their time alone, even if it means they suffer being lonely in silence.
In our theme of “Me, You and the World”, we are continuing to look at our surrounding relationships and how they impact us. Peer pressure is a big topic for children in school communities, and I hope to bring discussions, activities and videos for us to learn more about how our friend groups and communities influence us.
Kidshealth.org has some great tips for kids dealing with peer pressure:
- Hang with people who feel the same way you do. Choose friends who will speak up with you when you're in need of moral support and be quick to speak up for a friend in the same way. If you're hearing that little voice telling you a situation is not right, chances are others hear it, too. Just having one other person stand with you against peer pressure makes it much easier for both people to resist.
- Learn to feel comfortable saying "no." With good friends, you should never have to offer an explanation or apology. But if you feel you need an excuse, think up a few lines you can use casually. You can always say something like, "No, thanks, I've got a belt test in karate next week and I'm in training.”
- Listen to your gut. If you feel uncomfortable, even if your friends seem to be OK with what's going on, it means that something about the situation is wrong for you. This kind of decision-making is part of becoming self-reliant and learning more about who you are.
- Plan for possible pressure situations. Think ahead about how you'll handle social challenges that could be tough to resist. Decide ahead of time — and even rehearse — what you'll say and do.
- Arrange a "bail-out" code phrase you can use with your parents without losing face with your peers. Texting is great for this!
- Blame your parents! I often tell my children, “you can always make me the bad guy if you need to!” such as saying something like, "Are you kidding? If my mom found out, she'd kill me, and her spies are everywhere!" (this is a fun one!).
- If a situation seems dangerous, don't hesitate to get an adult's help! You may not only be helping yourself by doing this but others as well who may not feel able to speak up.
I’m looking forward to seeing everyone around campus!
Robin Bates, LMFT