“Oh, the places our behaviors will go!”

Hello families!  

This month we will dive into the third portion of the “Me” in “Me, You and the World” and talk about identifying our behaviors. It’s difficult to talk about behavior without looking at the connection to our thoughts and feelings.  This month the students and I will discuss the relationship between all three: thoughts to feelings to behaviors.  We will discuss the difference between REACTING and RESPONDING behaviors. We will look at different types of reacting behaviors, including “The 4 Horseman - 4 types of reacting behaviors that tend to end relationships - (1)judgemental attitude, (2)oppositional behavior, (3)denying responsibility and (4)shutting down.  Sometimes it helps to have simple categories for this complicated information so students can pause and reflect...thinking things such as, “hmmm...maybe I’m reacting with one of the 4 horsemen!”

We had an interesting discussion in one of the classrooms today about how this applies to social media and digital communication.  You could ask your students if they feel it’s easier to simply react (rather than thoughtfully respond) when they are on social media/texting.  What makes it easier to slow down and think carefully about how to respond? Talking to a friend or adult? Journaling? “Sleeping on it”?

So far, I’ve been so impressed with the students’ engagement with this topic.  Many are so open to talking about their thought patterns and how far they go before checking in, pausing and reflecting on the facts.  Most importantly, we learn to laugh at our mistaken judgments (myself included) and build a spirit of acceptance and non-judgemental support in their communities! This inspires me most of all.

Behavior concepts/tools to consider discussing with your children at home: 

1. When your child comes to you with a behavioral or emotional problem, consider being a “detective” to weed out the opinions from the facts.  We need to distill the story down to its most basic parts. Often we have thrown in a few opinions which change the story.  This can send the entire chain of events in a different direction.
2. How did your child interpret these facts?  Could there be many other ways to look at it? Is this black and white thinking (coming from emotional mind instead of wise mind)? The answer to the second question is almost always a big YES. The key here is to find the grey area.
3. What were the feelings following the thoughts/interpretations? 
   What behavior followed.  Was it a reaction or a response? If there was judgment, shutting down, denying responsibility or downright oppositional behavior, we need to go back and look closer at how we are framing this. 
4. What is an alternative thought/interpretation?  See how this changes the way we feel and behave?  Can we come up with a response rather than a reaction?

1. The 4x4, or what I call “breathing in a square”.  Take a small “break” from the problem.  Sit in a relaxed but open position and breath in for a count of 4, hold the breath for a count of 4, breath out for a count of 4 and hold it empty for a count of 4. Imagine you are following the perimeter of a square as you are doing this, taking a count of 4 for each side.  Some people like to trace the square with their finger as they’re doing it. I like to use this one when I’m stuck in traffic!
2. Opposite Action.  Some people like to call this tool “first thought wrong”.  Taking opposite action can sometimes break up that oppositional or defiant behavior that’s getting us stuck.  We don’t necessarily have to use a lot of brainpower to come up with something better to do, we simply do the opposite of the difficult behavior (sounds kinda weirdly simple, but it’s super powerful. Try it!).
3. Radical Acceptance.  Ahhhh...this is my favorite tool.  The more we practice acceptance, the freer we become!  Take a moment….just sit quietly and see if you can practice accepting every single thing you can think of!  It can be pretty hard, but you might find that you have shifted something that you’ve been stuck on for a while!  I felt this when I watched the movie, Mister Rogers’ Neighborhood last week.  There’s one scene when he asks someone to pause for a moment and then he looks right into the camera as if asking the audience to do the same.  I felt radical acceptance in that moment. Acceptance doesn’t always mean being passive. It can be the first step towards big action steps!
4. Willing, open hands.  When you find yourself shutting people out and you really don’t want/need to, imagine yourself with willing, open hands - this can often lead to apologies, forgiveness or releasing judgment. Imagination is a great tool for producing powerful new thoughts, feelings and behaviors.