Hello families!
Here we are in October, settling into the new year and getting the ball rolling. I have been in many of the classrooms to meet kids, talk about the brain and observe how they are settling in. I spoke with some classrooms about the purpose of the midbrain when it comes to feelings - the amygdala (feelings and safety), the hippocampus (memory and learning), the pituitary (hormones) and the prefrontal cortex (reasoning and executive functioning) - to help children understand just how hard their brains work in school (especially at the year’s start when they are adjusting to new schedules, teachers, etc).
I must say, I’ve had HUGE moments of pride for our Charter school over the past few weeks!! I challenged a K-5 class to come up with as many emotions as they could (who I thought might name 10 or so emotions) and they named 50 unique emotions before I just had to stop them!! They had more on their list than I did! I listened to a middle-schooler make amends with grace, empathy and humility, without making excuses. I saw a 4th grader learn how to receive feedback from a friend about his behavior with openness and kindness. I’m seeing these signs everywhere that we as a community are holding hands around these kids and supporting their social/emotional growth at home, and in/outside of the classrooms.
This month we will dive into the first portion of the “Me” in “Me, You and the World” and talk about identifying our emotions. Awareness of emotions is often the first step in supporting our mental and physical health. So many of us lose contact with our true feelings after repeatedly avoiding them. This type of dis-ease can be the start of habitual behavior that can lead to physical and emotional problems. I will offer tools for “checking in” and recognizing just how precise and powerful our emotions are!
I will talk to your student about what emotions really are and how they are expressed. Fun fact I learned recently - an emotion only lasts for 60-90 seconds! I will ask students why they think an intense emotion seems to last much longer than that!
Emotional problem solving is a big task as an adolescent! The forebrain is often overpowered by the emotional/hormonal midbrain! We know this all too well! In our high school, we have started lessons from Dialectical Behavioral Therapy, which is all about practicing tools to help get us unstuck from emotional/cognitive dilemmas and hopefully establishing habits that will help these kids for a lifetime.
Things to consider practicing or discussing with your children at home:
The Wave Skill - When an emotion arises, imagine it is a wave that is simply passing through you. Just like a wave in the ocean, it’s pointless to try and stop it, get rid of it or push it away. Just simply follow it all the way through until it lands gently on the shore. You could synchronize this visual with the breath - “breathe out as you watch the wave all the way to the shore, breathe in as the water returns to the sea”. Some people even imagine they are surfing on top of the wave!
Emotions in the body - Using mindfulness - notice where in your body you are feeling emotional sensations. Experience them fully. Allow your body to move in ways that allow the feelings to pass through without getting stuck. Feelings of fear or anxiety can be supported by hugging yourself tightly for a sense of safety. Feelings of anger could be supported by doing jumping jacks or running in place, pushing against a wall or yelling into a pillow. Feelings of sadness can be supported by placing your body in water (warm bath, shower, river, pool). Be mindful of your environment and what actions seem appropriate!
Remember: YOU ARE NOT YOUR EMOTIONS - They are simply a part of you. There are times when you don’t need to ACT on them! Check the facts. Are your feelings coming from an erroneous thought or set of ideas? Remember times when you have felt differently. We will touch more on this next month when we look at thoughts!
Fact-Checking: For older children/adolescents (learning how to fact-check is a powerful tool that they can use for a lifetime!). We will practice some fact-checking next month when we explore our thinking...
- Ask “What is the emotion I want to change?”
- Ask “What is the event prompting my emotion?” (this is the point where they can challenge judgments, extremes, and black-and-white thinking. They can describe the observable facts and challenge the rest)
- Ask: “Am I interpreting the situation correctly?” (are there other possible interpretations?)
- Other optional questions that may or may not fit the situation: “Am I thinking in extremes? What is the likelihood of the worst thing happening? Even if the worst were to happen, can I imagine coping well with it? <--this one is a go-to for me!
“Invite the Emotion Home for Dinner” - give the emotion a name, description and a number on a scale from 0-10. Perhaps draw/paint/color or collage images or colors to help describe the emotion. Be willing to accept the emotion as part of your body’s way of taking care of itself, rather than labeling it as “good” or “bad”. Some younger children will draw characters who become “helpers” for intense emotions - characters such as unicorns, tigers, and superheroes can be important allies in children’s art as they process their feelings. Watch/listen for allies in art, stories and imaginary play (even sticks and forts become powerful helpers when kids feel overwhelmed- if the play is dangerous, they may need help creating other helpers to feel safe). Sometimes I see children set rules for their difficult feelings, and they can feel a sense of mastery and control this way.
We’re off to a great start!
Robin Bates, LMFT