Looking Closer at Boundaries
I’m writing this as the sun is shining outside (finally), and it truly feels like we are in transition to Spring! This time of year is always a reminder to me of how quickly our children grow, and with each developmental stage comes a new set of challenges and rewards. As a parent, I often feel that as soon as I think I’ve “mastered” supporting a particular set of challenges in a developmental stage, my kiddos grow into the next stage and I’m scratching my own head in bewilderment again!
Who am I in my relationships? Looking closer at boundaries…
This year we’ve focused on the topic of Identity - looking at it from different angles and perspectives and taking a look at our thoughts, attitudes, strengths, and behaviors. We also learn about who we are by examining ourselves in relationship with others. Some would argue that this is the fastest way to get to know yourself!
When thinking about relationships, one of the first things that come to my mind is boundaries: “where do I end and you begin?” There are so many types and traits of boundaries. With students, I will talk to them about physical, intellectual, emotional, material, time and self-boundaries. Looking at these got me thinking about my different boundaries and how they change in different settings and with different people. For example, when I visit my in-laws in Nevada I have an intellectual boundary that doesn’t permit discussing politics (perhaps that’s an emotional boundary as well!). With younger children, I have intellectual boundaries that are different than with adults. I have material boundaries that are different with my husband than with my brother.
Leaning in, I wondered where these boundaries come from and I came up with two main categories: our values and our emotional/reasonable/wise mind. Values are complicated, coming from so many sources: family, extended family, ancestors, society, communities, and organizations. And they all get sorted and organized by our wise mind. Our wise mind is influenced by two sometimes opposing forces: emotional mind and reasonable mind.
As if it hasn’t gotten complicated enough, then we add that each boundary has a different quality to it: Rigid, porous, or healthy. Rigid boundaries sometimes prevent us from being close or vulnerable to another person or asking for help when we need it. Our rigid boundaries prefer we push people away and stay isolated. On the other hand, porous boundaries are those that allow us to overshare personal information, make it difficult to say “no” when we need to, allow us to get “over-involved” in other people’s problems and accept disrespect without pushing back. Often young people can bounce between these two extremes as they figure out where their healthy boundaries are.
Healthy boundaries come from a place of honoring one’s values and opinions, while still listening to others. Healthy boundaries allow a sharing of personal information after using wise-mind to determine if it is safe and/or appropriate to do so. With healthy boundaries, we can say “no” when we need to, and we can accept when others say “no” to us. I believe this is how our values are our wise mind all fit together with our boundaries. This can require a large learning curve for children as they navigate their way in friendships and their own role changes in their families.
Tips for Healthy Boundaries!
The following are some tips for healthy boundaries (provided by therapistaid.com) for all of us to put into practice. A phrase that I often use with myself I think is important to note here: “progress not perfection!” None of us get these right all the time!
Know your limits. Before becoming involved in a situation, know what’s acceptable to you, and what isn’t. It’s best to be as specific as possible, or you might be pulled into the trap of giving just a little bit more, over and over, until you’ve given far too much.
Know your values. Every person’s limits are different, and they’re often determined by their personal values. For example, if you value family above all else, this might lead to stricter limits on how late you will stay at work, away from family. Protect what’s most important to you.
Listen to your emotions. If you notice feelings of discomfort or resentment, don’t bury them. Try to understand what your feelings are telling you. Resentment, for example, can often be traced to feelings of being taken advantage of.
Practice self-respect. If you always give in to others, ask if you are showing as much respect to yourself as you show to others. Boundaries that are too open might be due to misguided attempts to be liked by elevating other people’s needs above one’s own.
Have respect for others. Be sure that your actions are not self-serving, at the expense of others. Interactions should not be about winning, or taking as much as possible. Instead, consider what’s fair to everyone, given the setting and relationship.
Be assertive. When you know it’s time to set a boundary, don’t be shy. Say “no” respectfully, but without ambiguity. If you can make a compromise while respecting your own boundaries, try it. This is a good way to soften the “no”, while showing respect to everyone involved.
Consider the long view. Some days you will give more than you take, and other days you will take more than you give. Be willing to take a longer view of relationships, when appropriate.
I look forward to seeing your sweet kids in their classes these next few weeks! As a reminder, my office hours are Tuesdays and Thursdays, 8:30-4:30, in the Fall Creek Admin Building.
Warm Regards, Robin Bates, LMFT